I’ve waited so long, I don’t even know what I’m waiting for anymore.
It’s been months since I started this journey, the journey towards the beginning of my much awaited career.
At every step of the way, lay a huge boulder, across which I leaped. And I kept leaping because I kept landing on boulders.
Every step closer was still a million steps away. Every time I had felt like this was it, was in fact the beginning of another battle.
I waited and waited and waited
I waited so long that I stopped understanding what I was waiting for anymore.
From a little thing like obtaining a certificate to a complex thing like that of obtaining a visa, its been nothing less than a struggle.
How long can one hold on ? How long can one feel normal despite having so many worries ? How long can one distract themselves despite having an ongoing internal battle?
A certificate I hoped to get gets delayed by weeks. The exam I booked gets delayed by months. The house I hoped to stay in has been delayed indefinitely. The decisions I hoped to receive have been delayed.
My internal anxiety has gravitated from one thing to the next and now I’m someone who is filled with anxiety and no other emotion from head to toe.
I’ve done everything from studying to obsessively growing plants to talking to people, but nothing ever helps. I’ve been told that the wait is usually worth it but the more I wait, the more I feel like the anxiety will rip me apart.
I don’t know when any of this is going to come to an end. When it does come to an end, I don’t know if I’ll be prepared for it.
It feels like I’ve waited so long for it, that even if something good happens, I’ll be in no state of mind to believe it
With hopes of a better situation for the next post
The crazy surgeon.
The Soul Of A Surgeon 